The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
