Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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