im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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