My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Everything about him screamed your future.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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