found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
