I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
