I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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