someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
