Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You're like the curious george of whores
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Randomize