You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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