There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
