i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize