I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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