Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
