and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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