found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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