I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
