it's too hot outside to masturbate.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
