I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we're making bets on your personal life
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
