Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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