PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
