at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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