the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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