Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
