I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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