Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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