my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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