WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
