I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
