I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
