I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
