can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
