i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
