Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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