Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Pants are for mortals
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize