I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize