so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It was confusing and full of hummus
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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