forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
