I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
