She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
