The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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