I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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