dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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