I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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