i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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