Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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