we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you had me at cake vodka
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
