I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Randomize
