oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize