We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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