I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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