My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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