i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
