Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
we should paint friendship bongs
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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