I cannot find my penis.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
