If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize