You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize