It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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