i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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