the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
