my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
