Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
